"I had some squirrel today.  Cooked it up."
"What was it like?"
"Tastes like chicken"

"I ate some alligator today.  BBQ'd it good."
"Wow.  How was it?"
"Tastes like chicken."

A Common Problem

How do you describe a taste that you've previously never tasted and is brand new to you? The first thing we do with new experiences is to do a quick compare and contrast.  We have this need to make logical sense of things.  So we try something new like frog legs and immediately realize "this isn't anything like the burger I had," and, "I guess it tastes like chicken."

We do the most obvious generalizations of new experiences when talking to other people; how can you possibly tell people what something new and unique is like other than through shared experiences?  In our food example above, if you had enough reason to describe the complex taste differences between well prepared frog legs, you could.  If someone offered you a million dollars, or a job as a TV food critic, you could find all sorts of interesting words to describe all the foods that used to "just tastes like chicken."

You can think of similar and different experiences now, can you not?

How about movies?  "Well that just seems like a remake of ..."
People?  "She acts just like..."
Places?  "This reminds me of back home."

It's a good thing to be able to generalize and find patterns.  It's one of the ways we function.  For example, when we see a doorknob we know how it works.  We've seen that thousands of times and we've generalized about doorknobs.  We function well.

There's also a danger in over generalizing.  We sometimes quickly generalize a situation that could benefit us by finding new qualities.  We can miss details that can be positive, helpful, life-threatening, enriching, etc...

In my martial arts tradition I observe this phenomenon often.  We'll have a guest instructor (who is quite experienced) teach a seminar.  This person will start showing a technique and I'll overhear a student say to a friend, "I've done this before."  And, maybe he has.  The problem here is that taking that position so quickly could cause him to miss out on some new details of the technique that might benefit him.

I've also seen people in new relationships judge their partner's facial expressions or tone-of-voice inaccurately based on something that they learned from a previous relationship.  The new partner then needs to be extra careful about their natural tendencies, and is also burdened with trying to re-teach their companion what their honest communication looks and sounds like.

A Fresh Perspective

I'd like to bring your attention to another quality that is related to that quick generalization, but a little different also.  This quality is related to moods and decisions.  It has other relationships too, and for now, let's just concentrate on those two things: mood and decisions.  There is a moment that most of us hardly ever recognize that happens in a split second before we make decisions or change our mood.  This moment happens so quickly that it almost seems unnoticeable.  But - once you notice it once - it becomes easier to notice it every time thereafter.  This tiny little feeling makes all the difference between a good mood or a bad mood, one decision over another, or some kind words or hurtful words.  Not only is this a moment in time, but also a chance to either generalize and do what you always seem to do, or to look for differences, and try out new ways of operating yourself.

This moment has a name in some languages.  We'll call in "Thismoment" for now.  Thismoment is very important.  When you think of a time when something 'put you into a mood' what do recall?  As you remember that mood do you start to remember those same feelings?  To what extent do you feel those feelings or not?  Recall just before you went into that mood.  Perhaps it was just before a punchline of a joke?  Maybe it was bad news?  Just before you got the punchline/news, there was a tiny moment where you prepared yourself.  In the case of a joke [go ahead and take a moment to think of a joke], when you first heard it, and it was set up well, and you just knew! it was going to be funny, pause in your thoughts on that very moment, where you just know.  Dwell there for a couple seconds.  Loiter.  Maybe you or someone you know was about to tell the punchline but just started cracking up before they(you) could get the words out.  The joke was going to be funny, you knew it, and there seemed like there was nothing you could do but to laugh.

That moment where you prepare yourself is one version of Thismoment that I'm talking about.  This moment is so obvious to you.  "Well of course, that happens all the time," I almost hear you thinking to yourself.  Good.  Understanding that, you'll further understand that sometimes Thismoment happens so quickly that you didn't get a chance to prepare yourself consciously. Thismoment happens all the time behind the scenes, automatically.

Thismoment happens when a boss reprimands you and you feel like you don't deserve it, or that the reprimand is too harsh.  Just as you feel your feelings hurting there is that moment where it could go either way.  You could allow yourself to have hurt feelings, or you could brush it off and have no worries. Thismoment happens when someone cuts you off in traffic and you want to swear, curse or otherwise get arrested for road-rage.  You can either go nuts, or you can just keep driving with the realization that not everyone is as careful as you are.

Thismoment is now, as you read these words, you can decide that there is some new information here.  When you become aware of that tiny interval between action and reaction, words and feelings, you allow yourself more freedom to make choices and feel moods that are more empowering for you, and further you can accept reality as it is without making rash judgments.

What if you miss the chance?  What if someone says some harsh words and you find yourself all worked up and in a bad mood?  As long as you notice that it has happened, you are off to a good start.  When you are conscious about the moods you have, the words you've said, or actions you've taken, you are already ahead of most of the people around you.  Most people seem to just be on autopilot, acting and reacting.  You on the other hand will now just sit with your mood or decisions and realize the root cause of your current state.  It's fine to take a few breaths and move on.

There's a key right there: taking a few breaths.  I remember when I was a kid and would get upset about something, my mother would tell me to take a deep breath and count to ten.  Great advice.  When you notice Thismoment, pause and breathe in and out a few times and feel curious about what positive direction you can go from wherever you happen to be.

Some More Benefits

What if all these years you've been misinterpreting yourself?  What if you've gotten so good at generalizing some things that you've had no need to notice Thismoment.  Take for example a tight feeling in the gut with butterflies.  Did you learn in your youth that these combined feelings meant, "scared?"  Did those feelings happen just enough times in just the right situation that you automatically react to certain situations that evoke those feelings with the interpretation "scared?"  What if you also accidentally learned to add the label "scared" to situations that don't call for it?  What if you could also interpret butterflies in the gut as "excited" or "hyper ready" but you don't out of habit?

Here are some things that a tight gut plus butterflies have meant to me in the past:

• anxiety
• excitement
• scared
• readiness
• stage fright

Those are just a few, but I learned a long time ago not to put too much value on my interpretations if they're not helpful to me.  I'd like you work on noticing the physical feelings and then to pay attention to Thismoment before making rash judgments.

In summary, simply paying attention to the moments between emotions and decisions, Thismoment, can help you to:

• avoid making rash decisions
• notice and alter your emotions and emotional choices before they seem out of control
• refrain from saying things you might regret
• make better, conscientious choices that will benefit you and the people around you

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I feel like I often witness a special type of conversation.  It's sort of a verbal version of a tough guy saying, "If he wants to fight, I'll kill him."  There's this odd phenomenon where some people think that 1) They can hide their intentions so well that other people can't 'read' them, and 2) They can beat anyone in a verbal confrontation.

Not everyone like this could possibly be so verbally tough.  I'll call the below, "An Open Letter to the Delusional Verbal Tough Guy."

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What the heck did you just say?  Do you care?  You know full well how much you can influence people when you use harsh words, but you didn't really just use harsh words, did you? Or did you?

You said something "in jest" or "said with love" or "just kidding around" or something you that think other people should just grow a thicker skin to handle.  Do you think that people are always ready for underhanded comments, or should be?  Wouldn't that be nice for you if you could just speak whatever was on you mind - without filters.

But part of you knows that people's tolerance isn't as high as you claim it should be when making fun.  You justify it when you talk to your friends and say, "She's just a bitch." You make yourself temporarily feel better when you tell others to, "grow a pair," or to, "lighten up," or, "don't take things so seriously."

Somehow that is the way people ought to be in your world.  But again, you know that they aren't - and that's what makes it fun for you.

Except when you really think about it; those few times now when you think about the impact of your words.

Think about it.

What do you go around saying haphazardly?  What do you blurt out unskillfully?  What slick insults do you skilfully communicate?  Why is it that you can't just (you can) pick other words?  If you are such a master of the language and can stick it to them each time, why not just pick other words?  Our language is vast and rich.  You've taken pride in the past of how...

"If he wants to go there, I'll go there.  I'll leave him in tears."
"If she wants to get into a battle of words, I'll battle.  She'll regret it."

Haven't you thought those things?  I've heard you, or someone has, brag about your skill with words.

So then, speak skilfully.  Try it.  Do it.  You're not on television right now, you don't have to try to be right over being truthful.  Be honest.  Use compassion.  Better yet, while you're learning more about compassion, and we all need to, be kind.

Be kind.  Use your words well. Speak skilfully.

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